There are many questions in this life I wish answered but what’s been running through my mind for quite sometime now is knowing what my “why” is.
Why am I here?
As with everyone, I didn’t have a choice in existing. I was just here. Why I’m here, I used to have an idea. But then things shifted, which led me to take paths mirroring my confusion.
It’s been over 15 years since that game changer of a moment which pushed me to embark on a journey of discovery — searching for who I am, what I truly want, where my place is in this world. It hasn’t been easy. It was fun, disappointing, and mostly amazing (both the good and the unpleasant kind).
Part of me wants to tell the story from the very beginning but I wonder if it’s worth the trouble. What good will it do me to go through the past? I know I’ve learned from it. Then again, taking bits just to highlight what matters now might be a better way than going into detail.
The way my mind works right now is along the lines of answering the question: “what’s the point of it all?” For those fortunate people who’ve figured out their why’s have it easier. They can spend the rest of their lives on a path that brings them contentment and, yes, happiness. For me, I believe that as long as I don’t know my why, I wouldn’t find the drive to live an inspired life. I wouldn’t find happiness while I’m alive.
The last 15 years have been all about becoming who I can be. Exploring possible roads that led to countless learnings — stretching limits and imagination — and questioning society’s norms and religious tenets. It was a process of breaking inhibitions, facing fears, and finding a form of separation that allowed me to live a life that I can be comfortable with — one that I can call my own.
Admittedly, I’ve been reluctant to write “unguarded” posts but tonight’s different — likely an isolated case borne out of late night reflections on a recent extremely odious circumstance.
Thoughts included an expression of frustration and disappointment about time — how quickly it passes or how it drags on, depending on which aspect of my life I’d consider.
It also included indignation following a betrayal; expectations and consequences; abstracts on broken promises and withheld grace, inadequacy and offence; estimation based on pride and vanity.
Where do I want to go?
What am I supposed to do?
Why do I have to?
Seemingly simple questions one can easily answer. However, consider a position wherein you find it quite tough to come up with an authentic response; an answer that’s likened to exhaling with a sigh of relief.
Today, I also was reminded of a move I made to mark a period in my life. With permanence, I got myself inked with an image that represented a personal principle: a symbol of renewal; bringer of new beginnings; a reminder that life is short but it doesn’t mean you can’t make an amazing appearance.
Although it sometimes feels like nothing seem to work in my life, it doesn’t mean nothing ever will. Yes, the unfortunate fulfilment of a truism that despite the generosity and kindness shown to some people, self gain trumps. So, after a vent and a stomp, I went back to remind myself: the move to start over — to keep on going — is for that hope of a one amazing thing that will.
Maybe I’ll be able to do the work that I’ve always wanted to do.
Maybe I’ll find a guy that’s equally perfect for me, as I to him.
Maybe I’ll catch one or two of all the dreams I’m chasing.
For now, I’ll just have to find it in me to have the strength and the courage to continue searching for my why. Answers may come in fragments but just allow things to happen. Be patient and accept it as it is. Take it one day at a time.
Have you found yours? Why are you here?